Last night while thinking about myself, my house & my talents and I started to get depressed. All I could see were the things that were wrong with them. Too often I find myself comparing what I have and who I am with others. I see the "ideal" all around me -- in magazines, t.v., movies and friends and I really want all of it. I want to look good and have great clothes, have my house beautifully decorated, clutter free and clean. I want to excel in many areas personally and spiritually but I just don't seem to be what I want to be. There are times when I am content with who I am but then the negative thoughts creep in and I start to feel bad about myself. You would think that at 39 I would be over some of those insecurities. But they persist. So I was wallowing in some self pity when I reread the visiting teaching lesson for this month and this quote really hit me.“All of you need to drink in deeply the gospel truths about the eternal nature of your individual identity and the uniqueness of your personality. You need, more and more, to feel the perfect love which our Father in Heaven has for you and to sense the value he places upon you as an individual. Ponder upon these great truths, especially in those moments when (in the stillness of such anxiety as you may experience as an individual) you might otherwise wonder and be perplexed” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball [2006], 222).
What a powerful statement and reminder of who I am. It was just the message I needed to hear. A reminder that I am unique and the individual traits I have have value. So I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and try to look at myself in a better light. It's not that easy, the doubts are still there but I am going to try to "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of somebody else". I am going to try not to dwell on the things I don't have or can't do and be grateful for what I do have and can do.
Wish me luck!
12 comments:
Heid Schmeidi!
I love that quote too. Thanks for sharing it!
You are absolutely amazing -- there isn't a friend of yours that wouldn't agree with me. I am sometimes surprised when I hear of such stellar women (such as yourself) that struggle with some of those same issues that I have struggled with. I find you so totally competent in any -- and everything -- you do that I am surprised to hear such insecurities from someone I admire so much. But, at the same time, I understand what you are feeling; I can relate.
I admire you. I look up to you. I adore you really. I cherish your friendship and just the person you are and how I feel around you. Thank you for sharing something so personal and giving me a good reminder of who I am and who I'm supposed to be trying to be.
You are truly the greatest!
This is such a great post. We all go through this, don't we? Ok, there are some obnoxious types who think they are wonderful and everyone should try to be like them... but most of us are struggling with these same things. I love the quote that you shared. I have gone VT this month and that part didn't jump out at me but as I read it on your blog it just hit me, it's awesome. I love it. Thanks for sharing it. Like Britney, I am surprised to hear you saying these things b/c you are so talented and amazing and funny and so many things I would like to be! I guess we're all human and we all feel this way sometimes.
I just read Britney's comment and I couldn't have said it better. I love you and wouldn't change a thing.
Thanks for being so "real". It's refreshing.
Heidi, my bestest good friend...you could not be more out in left field unless you were back at that softball tournement! You ARE so amazing...I can't begin to tell you the times I compared our friendship to others I was trying to make while we were living in Roy. There is just something about the way you listen, care, serve, raise your children, cook, smile, laugh and love the Savior that has always touched me and made me want to be a better person. I don't have words sufficient to express what you mean to me and how badly you were missed as a HUGE part of my life. Remember the hours we spent on the phone when we lived only a block awayfrom each other? Trust me, there are millions of us "Heidi Fans" out there, they just havn't made the jersey yet! Thanks for sharing...once again you've helped my testimony to grow. This post took bravery and humility and I admire you today more than I did yesterday and that's a stretch since I couldn't of imagined my adoration of you growing to any other level past its galactic proportions!
P.S I hope this wasn't due, in part, to my earlier "pizza" comment...:O(
P.P.S What's going to happen when you turn the REAL 40 next year? I'll bring the tissues! :O)
Love your guts! (And get off that Restoration Hardware mailing list ASAP!!!!)(
are you kidding me????? what the heck?????
and here i was thinking how lucky you are to have such an awesome family after reading alli's bday post!! wishing and hoping that my girls will think that way about me when they are 14 (keep your fingers crossed) and not keep calling me "meanie". (which btw gets them in more trouble and makes me more mean!)
stop thinking that way! but i know how you feel. i think it is just how we women are, unfortunately. but fortunately we have friends and family to lift us up! so chin up girfriend and read all these posts from your amazing friends that are here to tell you that you are awesome!!
here's one of my fav quotes to brighten your day. it goes along with the message you shared (which was great btw).
it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection.
--the bhagavad gita (ancient indian yogic text)
love ya!
OK so I am feeling a little weird about this post now. I didn't mean for this to be a "tell me how cool I am in the comments" post. :) Although now I see that I am pretty cool :)
I just sometimes get caught up in what the world tells me I should be and look like and I need to remember what is most important and leave the other baggage behind. Britney I really needed your enrichment lesson and I'm just trying to follow all your great advice.
Thanks to all of you sweet women for all the lovely things you said
Oh & Brenda -- no this wasn't because of the pizza post though it didn't help! jk :) & It's the Pottery Barn ones too!
i just have to join in the "heidi fan club". jk. but seriously, you are amazing. just like everyone has already said. love you lots, heidi.
i went visiting teaching this week and that same quote jumped out at me and it was what i shared. so i guess we are thinking alike. the world does try to bring us down in so many ways. sometimes it is hard to remember who we really are.
Heidi, you are fabulous. I just want you to look at yourself in the mirror and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonut people like me."
Heidi--I know those feelings all too well-I have been reflecting back on the people I have known throughout my life--coming across blogs of women I used to see all the time has been fun. Back then, I knew you more from a distance than close up and personal--but you were one of the women in the ward I always admired. You just have it all put together. I remember one time, we were all sitting outside somewhere--and you complimented me on my children--it made my day. To say that I struggle with insecurities is a small understatement. Life can scar us and it is a battle to win against those scars sometimes.
One more thought--I always wanted a friend like you and Brenda were friends. So many times when I would talk with Brenda she would talk about you and your guys friendship. It was pretty cool. You're a neat person Heidi Udall. "By their fruits ye shall know them" . . . you have some pretty amazing fruit to share.
I guess your visiting teachers were inspired NOT to come this month so you'd have to study the message out for yourself.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
You're a good egg and I love your guts!
Karen -- knee surgery excuses you plus we visited a ton this month and you always inspire me!
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