I have been thinking for a few days that I might post about this but I worry about bloging about something so private and well -- still painful.
12 years ago today we lost our little boy Corwin. He was supposed to have been born in August of 1996 but because of a tumor and other problems he was stillborn on May 9th.
This time of year used to be really difficult for me -- with Mothers Day -- but I have found comfort over the years. I have the deepest sympathy for those who feel pain on that day -- for those women who have lost babies or have been unable to conceive find their burdens particularly difficult to bare on Mother's Day.
When I came home from the hospital I was devastated as you can imagine. In addition to my emotional pain I was physically weak. I had to have 2 blood transfusions because of Hemorrhaging We lived in Provo but because of the fear of complications I had to deliver at the U in Salt Lake. I felt so removed form everyone and everything familiar. I remember I just wanted to go home and see Alli. 4 days later I was released and Cord & I drove home. This is kind of random but I remember that "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. was playing on the radio and I made Cord turn it off.
So when we got home I went to my room to rest and on my pillow was a card Lindy (thank you Lindy) had made with Alli and several Lilacs. I kept the Lilacs in the box with Corwin's other things. And Lilacs always remind me of him. In each house we have lived in we have had some planted. So when we bought this house I was so happy to find a Lilac bush called "Little Boy Blue", we planted it on the side of the house and it is starting to bloom as you see.
I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the sealing power of the temple -- I know I will see my son again. Cord as always was amazing and supportive through the loss of Corwin and the other 2 boys we lost. I know his pain was as real as mine although sometimes more comfort was given to me by others. I love him more than I could begin to express. I am incredibly grateful for the five beautiful children I get to hug and kiss each day and for those I will hug and kiss some day.
11 comments:
You have no idea who I am. Lindy gave me your blog address. I hope you don't mind!
I just lost my little boy on
May 8th. I have that exact purple box you have and it means the world to me. I'm so grateful for Lindy sharing your post with me. It has helped me. Thanks for sharing that. I got major goosebumps as i saw that Lilac bush you have beside your house that I'm sure reminds you of your little boy everytime you see it. That is the sweetest thing. Again, I hope you don't mind me reading your post. I thank you for sharing your feelings, it has helped me! Hope you continue to be strong!
Brynn
Heidi, thank you for sharing that. You continue to amaze me and I only feel more and more admiration and love for you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate a little bit to your experience, but haven't been through as much as you have.You are such a strong woman. Thanks for being such a great role model of what a mother should be. I love that you plant lilacs at every house to keep Corwin's memory close to you. I know we'll get to meet those beautiful babies one day and hug and kiss them to our heart's content.
You are truly amazing. Thank you for sharing that story. It's so important to keep his memory alive. I lost an older brother to SIDS when he was a couple of months old, and although I never got to meet him I have always felt a special bond with him. My mom kept a small box of his belongings up in her closet which I loved to look at over and over again. It helped me feel closer to him. I can't wait for the day that I can put my arms around him and I know that day will come.
thanks for sharing, Heidi. through others experiences, we can all be strengthened and also learn. you are amazingly strong and I am so lucky to call you a friend.
Heidi! I love you!
You're an amazing woman!! I can't wait to meet him someday.
Thanks for sharing this. You help me with your sweet spirit and quiet strength.
You truly are what it means to be a mother Miss Udall ...you always have been. I can truly say you're one of my heros, which ranks you right up there with my other one and you KNOW how I feel about my Dad! Love to you and your precious family. Thanks for being such an inspiration and for always putting others before yourself. I can't wait to be closer so that we can talk all the time too. You have no idea how much you've been missed. I thought of you on Sunday during church and remembered how hard Mother's Days had been for you and hoped you were having a better one this year...I hope you know what a special friend I consider you! Love you, Brenda Sue
your strength and testimony amaze me, thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing your experiences...you write so beautifully it was hard to see for the tears welling up in my eyes...I love you!!!
I was very touched by your experience. Thanks for sharing. I would love to hear the story behind his name. You are an amazing mother!
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